The question of when a romantic relationship is committed one can be a source of much confusion and debate. We are now living in a time when the marriage rate is continuing to fall, the co-habitation rate is going up, as well as the majority of first-born children are now born to unmarried parents.
COMMITMENT VERSES PROMISE
I recently had a conversation with a woman who explained she had just broken off a "committed" relationship. Some questions later I learned that she had been dating this individual for a year, they were not living together, and the reason she broke it off is that he "cheated."
We discussed pre-committed verses committed relationships, and she agreed that it was a pre-committed relationship, but insisted that they had made a "commitment" to each other.
Okay, things are becoming clearer. On the one hand will be the status of the relationship, pre-committed verses committed, and on the other hand are commitments made in the relationship, macro verses micro. Two different things, right?
In our conversation, it struck me to make a distinction between "Commitment" verses "Promise." They made a promise to each other within the context of a relationship that wasn't committed. That distinction seemed to help her make a lot more sense of things.
Here is my description of terms:
PROMISE: Verbally stated future objective to perform a specific act.
- I promise to get your dry cleaning and not forget this time or I promise to be exclusive in our relationship.
COMMITMENT: Both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, as well as an ATTITUDE consisting of opinions and beliefs.
- I am committed to keeping my promises or I'm committed to our relationship.
In other words, a promise is something you say, and a commitment is something you do. A promise is circumstance specific. A commitment is contextual.
A promise is a small commitment. If a potential partner doesn't continue to keep promises, I would question their capacity to keep commitments, as they are certainly related.
CONFUSION ABOUT COMMITMENT
I see a great deal of confusion about the status of today's relationships. Some years ago when I coined the word "pre-commitment" to describe couples that were exclusive, but not yet committed, it was a helpful distinction. The question remains, "What exactly is commitment?"
In my opinion, you're not in a committed relationship if:
1. Your partner isn't aware your relationship is committed.
2. You are wondering if this relationship is committed.
3. You and your partner have differences of opinion concerning the status of your relationship.
4. Your family and friends have different perceptions about the status of your relationship.
5. You and your partner have not acted to clearly formalize your commitment in any way.
6. You are relying on verbal promises without having a significant track record of them being kept.
And, for a relationship to be truly committed, you will find no exits - mentally, emotionally, or physically. When the going gets rough, you make it work.
But if you really feel like you're doubtful about your relationship, I would question your loyalty in addition to his. Are you dating a player? Get some thorough advice on the subject by searching: is he a player or was he a player. You'll save yourself a great deal of time by eliminating somebody who isn't serious about a commitment.
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